Anxiety as a Rational Response (Part 2)

Angele had been working at the local supermarket for about two months, mostly rearranging shelves. Sometimes they put her on checkout, which was more lively, but rearranging products on shelves was her main job for up to six hours at a time. Where shoppers had taken products from the front of the shelf, Angele was required to move the remaining products forward so that the shelf looked full. It was easy work, paying minimum wage because she was only fifteen, but it was pocket money.

One day she was about mid-shift when she suddenly felt light-headed, a little giddy even, and her heart began to beat faster. Then it began to pound and she became paralysed with panic. What if she was having a heart attack? What if she was going to faint, to fall down right there in the middle of aisle 5, maybe even die? Her pulse was beating rapidly in her ears, and she felt as if her heart would jump out of her chest. Horrified, she felt rooted to the spot, her thoughts whirling around in her head, her body sweating and beginning to shake. She needed to get out of there, she needed to escape - to where she didn't know, but get out of there she must. After a moment, she found she could move and, turning quickly, she ran into the back room and locked herself in the toilet.

Pulling her phone out of her pocket she began to cry uncontrollably, still terrified of what was happening in her body and mind, though by now it was all slowing down a bit and she was starting to feel a little better. She had no idea what was going on, so she called her mum, who luckily answered, and began babbling through her sobs, her voice catching in her throat. Angele's mum knew about panic attacks, because she'd had her fair share when she was young, so she instantly recognised what was happening. After convincing Angele that she wasn't going to die and that she had suffered a panic attack, she told her to leave and wait outside and she would pick her up. It was after 5pm and her mum was home from work and nearby, so Angele tearfully agreed, and ran out the back door without telling anyone she was leaving. She couldn't face talking to anyone at work with her face so red and tear-stained and the fact that she was still shaking. She never went back.

Over the next few years, Angele had many more panic attacks and became so anxious and depressed that she could barely leave her room. After the first attack, she seemed to lose all interest in her school work - to be honest, that had started the year before, but now she could scarcely make an effort. She started sleeping in and going late to school (her mum left for work at 7.30 every morning and she walked to school). She couldn't be bothered talking to her friends, and pretty soon they started to leave her alone. Her mum begged her to go to a doctor, but she refused, too embarrassed and angry with herself and everyone else. She felt like no one could help her. Eventually, she did go to a doctor, and a psychiatrist, and was put on medication. When it didn't work, the doctor increased her dose, until she was almost zombie-like with the way the drugs affected her.

If you've ever experienced panic attacks, or anxiety of any kind, or depression, you will know it is often a very long road to recovery. Often it involves a lot of personal pain and expense and it can be one of the most debilitating of chronic health conditions. Angele did finally make a good recovery after finding the right med combination and leaving high school. She did fail a couple of her year 12 subjects, but at least she finished. However, she experienced more anxiety and depression on and off for the next six years. Then something amazing happened. She went to university and found her passion. It would be wrong to say she was never anxious again, but her life took on a much more even keel after that. She got her honours degree and got the job of her dreams - the kind of job you'd almost pay someone to have, she loved it so much.

So why would finding your passion or your purpose be a road to recovery from anxiety?

But that's the wrong question. The right question is: why was NOT following her passion contributing to her being so sick?

I'm not saying by any means that there were no other causes involved in Angele's anxiety. Undoubtedly there were - her parents' divorce, for one, and who knows what else? What I am saying is that it was about finding the right 'fit' that helped her overcome it.

Angele was bright and the sort of kid who never had to study hard - until she went to high school. She couldn't concentrate on anything that didn't interest her - it was really tough. She could spend hours reading fiction, or playing video games, or drawing, or making up stories. What she couldn't concentrate on was math or any of the other stupid things they make you take in high school. English was OK because she was naturally good at reading and writing, and the tasks that were set suited her. Art, however, was a different kettle of fish. She had spent almost all her life drawing and painting, but suddenly all the tasks she was set in high school seemed pointless. She only liked art if she could do it her way.

You might be thinking she was just a "spoiled brat", but her anxiety and depression were real, and if following her passion helped cure them, then she has a legitimate claim to needing her life to be that way.

How many people do you know who are passionate about what they do? Not many, I'd hazard a guess. And a lot of people tied to boring or hard jobs don't suffer from depression and anxiety. The truth is, NEEDING to follow your passion is a constitutional thing. Who knows, it may be genetic, hereditary, or related to some other trauma that occurs in a person's life. I don't have the qualifications to comment on those aspects. What I do know, is that making your life a good fit for you is absolutely essential to such people. For these people, no amount of money could make them able to endure a job or life they aren't essentially interested in. Indeed, anxiety is a perfectly rational response to not fitting into the way of life that's not meant for you, if you are one of these "people of passion".

I know that my own anxiety, which I suffered in my late teens and early twenties, abated when I decided to go to university as a mature age student, and studied philosophy and political science. I knew at once I'd found my niche. Being at uni meant I didn't have a boring schedule - I could take the courses I was interested in, and go or not go to lectures if I chose - something that turned out to be life-changing for me. I decided to become an academic in my third year for the same reason. Back then, of course, academics in Australia only had to teach for 6 hours face-to-face per week and most of the admin work was delegated to admin staff. A lot has changed since then, of course, and academics now have one of the highest rates of anxiety of any profession. Indeed, I don't know that I'd choose the same path were I starting out again today. The point is that at the time, it WAS the right path for all the right reasons that made sense to me. In academia, I fitted in and it was a joy to study, and a joy to go to work when I eventually got a job.

There are plenty of books available now about finding your purpose and how it can help you unravel your psychological and emotional issues, but I didn't have the benefit of any of that back in the day. I have since read quite a few and would be happy to recommend some if you care to contact me. Perhaps I'll post some on this site.

Meanwhile, slow down and find your passion.